Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
