On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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