How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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