I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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