I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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