Jerry, you need to find god
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize