She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
