I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
