Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
