just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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