one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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