I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I woke up under a house in Key West
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
