I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
