I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize