Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
