Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize