I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
