The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
