I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
