I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm having to shit out rocks
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