conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
