maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
