He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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