two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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