did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
