i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
