you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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