I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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