dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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