she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
