well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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