Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
pop tarts are not kleenex
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
