Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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