i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
