I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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