My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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