he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
