So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Randomize