hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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