It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
