No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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