WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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