listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
They have beer where we have blood.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
