On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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