getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
