; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
