i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
