Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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