when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
