So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
