you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
