You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
