you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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