guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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