It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
